When Mother’s Day Hurts: Understanding Ambiguous Grief in Foster Youth

Mother's Day fills social media, classrooms, and card aisles with messages about unconditional love and celebration. For many children, it's a joyful day, but for youth in foster care, it's often emotionally complicated.
 
By learning what foster youth go through and how you can support them, you can make a real difference.
 
For example, imagine a foster parent noticing their child withdrawing in the days leading up to Mother's Day. Instead of pushing them to join celebrations, the parent gently checks in, saying, "This time of year can be difficult. I'm here if you want to talk or just spend quiet time together." Giving the child permission to express feelings in their own way can help them feel safe and supported.

What Is Ambiguous Grief, and Why Does It Affect Foster Youth?

Traditional grief usually follows a clear loss, such as a death or an ending. Ambiguous grief is different. It occurs when someone is gone yet still feels present, or when someone is there yet not emotionally available.
 
For foster youth, this often means:
 

• Missing a parent who isn't in their life
• Loving someone who has also caused harm
• Feeling loyalty to a biological mother while living in another home
• Not knowing whether they'll return home or find permanence elsewhere
• There is no closure, only unanswered questions heightened by holidays like Mother's Day.

 
These experiences have a name: ambiguous grief. Family therapist Pauline Boss, Ph.D., developed the concept, and trauma-informed care frameworks widely recognize it as a distinct and valid form of loss.
 

How Mother's Day Can Increase These Feelings

Holidays often make people feel like they should act or feel a certain way, but this can be very different from what foster youth actually experience.
 
A child might:
 

• Feel sad without being able to name why
• Feel guilty for being close to their foster parent—or for not feeling close
• Feel angry at their biological mother, then immediately ashamed of that anger
• Pretend not to care because caring feels too risky

 
Often, the hardest part is not just the grief, but the confusion that comes with it. Do I still have a mom? Which one counts? What am I supposed to feel today?
Many children won't ask those questions out loud.
 

What Foster Families Might Miss

 
Grief doesn't always look like sadness. In children, it frequently surfaces as:
 

• Irritability or sudden mood swings
• Withdrawal or unusual silence
• Acting out or testing limits
• Emotional reactions that seem disproportionate or "out of nowhere"

 
Just because a child joins in on Mother's Day doesn't mean the day is easy for them. It's more important to pay attention to their feelings than to follow the calendar. Look for small signs, such as being quieter, getting irritated more easily, or pulling away from activities. Sometimes, what seems like acting out or not caring is really a sign of emotional pain. Check in with them, notice changes in their mood or energy, and let what you see guide how much support or space you give.
 

How Foster Parents Can Respond with Compassion

Foster parents need to be aware, sensitive, and willing to create space. Show your foster youth that their feelings are safe and welcome with you.
 

Acknowledge the complexity without defining it

 
Start with something simple, like: "I know today might bring up a lot of different feelings. That's okay." You can also say, "If you are feeling sad or mixed up about today, you are not alone," or "It's normal if you have feelings that are hard to talk about right now, and you don't have to explain them to me." The goal isn't to fix things, but to show your child they are safe.
 

Avoid assumptions about how they want to spend the day

 
Some children may not want to celebrate or talk. Instead of making plans, pay attention to what they need.
 

Permit them to honor their whole story

 
If your child is open to it, give them space to talk about their biological mother, look at photos, or write a letter. Their biological family is part of who they are. Supporting this connection does not diminish your relationship with them.
 

Offer choices instead of expectations

 
Instead of planning a big celebration, ask, "Would you like to do something together today, or keep it low-key?" Giving your child choices helps them feel more in control on a day that can be full of emotions.
 

Sit with the discomfort

 
You don't need to have all the answers. What matters most is showing your child that their complicated feelings are safe with you. For a child who has learned that big feelings can be scary, your calm presence means a lot.
 
It's normal for foster parents to feel unsure or emotional during this time. You may wonder if you're doing the right thing or if you're affected by your child's pain. Be patient and kind to yourself, just as you are with your child. Reaching out to your support network or taking time for self-care can help. Remember, you are not alone.
 

A Note for Caseworkers and Agency Staff

 
Talk with foster families in advance about Mother's Day. It's one of several times in the year, like birthdays or the anniversary of a child's removal, when extra support can help prevent crises.
 
If your agency provides trauma-informed parenting resources or upcoming training, Mother's Day is a natural touchpoint to surface them.
 

Support for Foster Families Starts Here

 
One of the best things you can do as a caregiver is to understand what your foster child is feeling. Hoyleton Youth and Family Services offers training, resources, and a supportive community across Illinois. You can join in-person or virtual support groups, call helplines for urgent questions, and find educational resources and workshops on trauma-informed care. Reach out to us to connect and make a difference.
 

FAQs

What are some specific activities or words I can use to support my foster child on Mother's Day?

Here are some specific activities and words you can use to support your foster child on Mother’s Day:

Activities:

Create a Card or Drawing: Invite your foster child to make a card or picture for their biological mother (or another significant maternal figure), if they wish.
Memory Sharing: Offer to listen if they’d like to share memories or stories about their mom. You could make a “memory jar” where they write down or draw their favorite memories.

• Light a Candle or Plant a Flower: Do a simple ritual together, such as lighting a candle or planting a flower in honor of their mother.
• Read a Book Together: Choose books that gently address family, love, or different kinds of mothers and families.
• Offer a Quiet Space: Let them know it’s okay to take some time for themselves if they feel sad or overwhelmed.
• Make a Gift: Help them make a small gift or keepsake they could give their mom (if possible), keep for themselves, or add to a memory box.

Words and Phrases:
 

• “I know Mother’s Day can bring up a lot of feelings. It’s okay to feel however you feel today.”
• “Would you like to do something special to remember your mom today?”
• “It’s okay to miss your mom and to talk about her whenever you want.”
• “If you want to make a card or do something for your mom, I’m here to help.”
• “You’re not alone. I care about you and I’m here for you today.”

 
The most important thing is to let your foster child take the lead. Follow their cues, offer choices, and let them know it's okay to feel whatever they need to feel. Your understanding and support will mean a lot.
 

How can I tell if my foster child is struggling with ambiguous grief if they don’t express it openly?

Ambiguous grief happens when there is a loss without closure or a clear reason. This is common for foster children who are separated from their biological families. Children may not talk about these feelings, but you can look for signs such as:

• Changes in mood (sadness, irritability, withdrawal)
• Trouble concentrating or a drop in school performance
• Sleep or appetite changes
• Acting out, regressive behaviors, or sudden clinginess
• Preoccupation with their biological family (bringing them up often, idealizing or expressing confusion)
• Reluctance to engage in family activities or connect with you

 
Every child grieves differently. Gentle observation, patience, and creating a safe space for them to talk (when ready) can help you support them.
 

How can I manage my own emotions if I feel rejected or unsure how to help?

It's normal to feel rejected, frustrated, or helpless sometimes, especially when you care so much. Here are some strategies:
 

• Recognize that your feelings are valid. Foster care can be emotionally complex.
• Seek support from other foster parents, counselors, or support groups.
• Practice self-care: rest, hobbies, exercise, or mindfulness.
• Remember, a child’s rejection is often about their situation, not you personally.
• Stay consistent and available; trust and connection build over time.
• Consider speaking with a therapist or counselor for yourself, as well.

How do I balance honoring my foster child's feelings about their biological mother with my role as a caregiver?

 
Balancing these roles is delicate but profoundly important:
 

• Acknowledge and validate their feelings about their biological mother. Avoid criticizing or dismissing those feelings or their parent.
• Encourage open dialogue: “It’s okay to miss your mom. You can talk to me about her whenever you want.”
• Share your role clearly: “I’m here to care for you and keep you safe. You can always talk to me about your family.”
• Celebrate important memories/dates if appropriate, such as birthdays or holidays related to their biological family.

 
Remember, loving you does not mean your foster child has to forget or replace their biological mother. There is space for both relationships.
 
Your empathy and openness will help your foster child feel secure as they navigate their complex emotions.
 
Learn more about becoming a foster parent and the support available to you at hoyleton.org/foster-parents-recruitment-support/